Not Quite Right
by anotherfngrl
Summary: Tony suspects something strange might be going on.  If only he weren't too stupid to figure it out.  Utter crack, Ziva bashing, and McGee dies.  Very silly.


"You're not supposed to hand out candy canes on Halloween!" Tony said, laughing in shock at the stick of peppermint candy Ziva had just placed on his desk. Honestly, as a spy whose ability to blend in to a different culture could be the difference between life and death, he was shocked at how *bad* she was at understanding American traditions. Especially since she'd been living in the States for five years now.

"They are a traditional American holiday candy. Halloween is a traditional American holiday," she argued back.

"They're for Christmas!" Tony insisted.

GIbbs appeared out of nowhere and whacked them both on the head, as he was wont to do, his years in the Marines having made him some kind of superhero. Tony often wondered how a man like Gibbs, who defied the laws of the universe so often, hadn't caught on to the fact that Ziva was, well, stupid.

But Tony was nothing if not loyal, so instead of protesting the treatment, he just said, "Hey, Boss," his tone a little rueful as he rubbed the back of his head. With the number of concussions he'd had and how often Gibbs smacked him, it was amazing he still had any higher brain function at all. Especially since he'd been such a "dumb jock" to start off with. He'd have to get Ducky to check that out some time.

"Peppermint is known to stimulate the brain," Gibbs told them, taking the stack of candy canes on Ziva's desk and dumping them onto Tony's. "And you can use all the help you can get, DiNozzo," he added. It struck Tony again as odd that he seemed to get blamed for everything, even things which were clearly not his fault, and that Gibbs seemed to honestly believe he was so stupid. Why would he have been the first person the Marine ever allowed to stay on his team permanently, when the other man obviously had no use for morons?

"David, cold cases. DiNozzo, with me," Gibbs said, heading towards the director's office. Gibbs didn't have to wonder if his team would obey or why- he could be damn scary. Although the fact that Tony seemed so easily cowed didn't make sense when you also noticed that the younger man was the only person who regularly stood up to Gibbs when he was being an ass. But they all had their parts to play, so Gibbs thought nothing more of it as he and his second burst into the Director's office.

Vance, of course, was doing absolutely nothing important and immediately made his goodbyes and hung up his obviously unimportant phone call with the President. Not even the leader of the free world was more important than Gibbs when he was on a tear.

Gibbs looked around for a moment, then grabbed an innocent looking knickknack from Vance's desk, opened the window, and chucked it out. Vance counted it as a success that at least the agent had opened the window first. Still, he was the director. He _had_ to object. "Officer David gave me that-" he began.

"Officer David is a spy," Gibbs said calmly, as if the fact that he'd been working with a double agent for five years, had risked his own and his teams' lives to rescue her and had supported her decision to become an American citizen didn't phase him at all. And knowing Gibbs, it probably didn't.

"You got that from candy canes?" Tony asked, in awe, as always, at his Boss' deductive skills. He conveniently forgot that, when Gibbs hit him in the head, he'd been in the process of working out the fact that something wasn't quite right about the former Mossad liaison.

"She's trained in observing and copying other culture's behavior. The only way she could still be making this many mistakes is if she were doing it on purpose, to lower our guards," Gibbs said, and Tony looked at him in awe even though he'd realized most of this himself already.

"This fits in excellently with what the President just told me about Mossad going rogue and planning to attack the United States," Vance throws in, just to remind everyone that he is indeed still there, and the _Director_.

"We've got to get those candy canes before she hands any out! They could be poisonous!" Tony says suddenly.

"That's ridiculous. Death by Christmas candy?" Vance scoffs, but Gibbs is following Tony out the door, and since Gibbs is always right, Vance follows too.

They make it to the landing just in time to see McGee fall to the ground dead, candy cane in his mouth. Gibbs begins racing down the stairs to stop Ziva before she can pass any more out, but Tony, proving yet again that he's seen too many action movies, jumps straight over the railing and manages to knock her over as she reaches out to give a candy cane to an apparently unsuspecting Abby.

She struggles, but Tony manages to keep her down long enough to cuff her. It's only when he begins reading her her rights that he notices a sharp pain in his left leg. One of the candy canes broke when he knocked her over, and it's sliced into his knee.

A member of another team, who Tony realizes suddenly he doesn't think he's ever seen before, takes over cuffing Ziva so Gibbs can haul Tony down to Autopsy, because Ducky is obviously much better equipped to care for a poisoned agent than a silly hospital.

Gibbs gives Abby a look, which she interprets as either, "Analyze those candy canes and figure out what's killing Tony!" or possibly, "I am a Marine and can kill bad guys with just my elbow!" Both are logical, but while the second is probably true, Abby decides she'd be better served to assume he means the first one, mostly so Tony doesn't die. He may be dumb, but she loves him.

While the candy canes are being analyzed (and Abby wishes she got to say fun things like that more often) Jimmy appears with a blood sample from Tony. She asks nicely, so her machines give her the results in a quarter of the time it normally takes, at exactly the same time as the candy canes finishes processing and Gibbs walks into the lab.

Even though she hasn't had time to read the results yet, Abby hops up from her seat to tell them to Gibbs. She and her babies are just that in tune with each other.

"Only some of the candy canes were poisoned," she tells Gibbs. "Luckily, the one that stabbed Tony appears to have been clean. But there's another poison in his system I haven't identified yet."

"One that makes him have trouble concentrating, lowers his ability to think, and generally makes him act like a dumb ass?" Gibbs asks.

"Probably," Abby says, nodding slowly. "It all makes so much sense now! Ziva started poisoning Tony as soon as she got here, gradually making him stupider and stupider. He's always played dumb, so we didn't realize anything was wrong."

"I did," Gibbs says.

"Of course you did, you're Gibbs," Abby agrees, and he kisses her on the head and leaves.

Luckily, Ducky knows all about treating living poisoning victims, because he once saved a group of archaeologists he met in South America after the natives poisoned them. Gibbs is beginning to suspect Ducky is one of those Immortals from that Highlander movie Tony told him about. He has entirely too many stories for one lifetime, even if he is _really_ old.

A few quick tests, which the morgue is naturally equipped to do, show that the poison is not fatal and will gradually leave Tony's system. Ignoring the fact that he's been coming in to work stupid for years now, Vance orders him home until the poison has completely left his body. They decide that he'll stay with Gibbs, in case he's suddenly too dumb to open doors or something. Tony manfully resists the urge to point out living with Gibbs is likely to result in brain damage, which might be a sign that the poison is beginning to clear up already.

They're about to all go out for a celebratory drink when they suddenly remember McGee. They go downstairs and are only mildly surprised to find McGee's body gone and Trent Kort sitting at Gibbs' desk.

"I assume you've got David too?" Gibbs asks, his tone only slightly interested.

"But of course," the dapper Englishman says.

"Good luck," Gibbs shrugs.

"That's it?" Vance asks, annoyed that Gibbs is giving up his favorite Agent's body without a fight.

"We don't have the manpower or resources to take down Ziva's Dad. He does," Tony points out logically.

"Anthony does have a point," Ducky pipes up.

"Well, in that case, I'll be on my way," Kort says, taking his feet off of Gibbs' keyboard and leaving. He's stepping into the elevator when Tony notices he's unwrapping a candy cane.

"No!" Tony yells, but it's too late- the elevator door has closed.

Gibbs whacks him on the back of the head. "Stop being stupid," he says, even though Tony knows perfectly well that's not a rule.

"He has been poisoned," Jimmy points out timidly. Gibbs silences him with a glare that makes him feel a little light headed and seriously consider transferring to the FBI. Or maybe the CIA. Fornell's kind of scary too, but Kort seems nice enough.

"I wasn't being stupid," Tony says, annoyedly rubbing the back of his head. "He was eating a candy cane."

"Oops," Abby says quietly.

The group goes over to the elevator, staring at it nervously. Finally, Gibbs huffs and hits the going down button. A moment later, the elevator appears, empty.

Satisfied that, yet again, they've managed to wrap up a potential national disaster in an hour, they all step into the elevator and head out to have that drink.


End file.
